"Why do you weep when you pray?"

The question had never entered my head. I wept because--because of something inside me that felt the need for tears."

?, Night by Elie Wiesel

(note if someone can find me a bullet list I'd really appreciate it thanks)
We're reading that book in FYS. It's about the Holocoust and how this 14 year old boy loses his faith. To say the least I can appreciate this idea. In class I had all these people preaching about how if you just put your faith in God everything will be fine. I had to fight down the scolding desire to say yeah thats why about 8 million people died in the Holocaust....right....

I'm not saying faith is a bad thing I just....I've come to the conclusion that faith is simply for your own peace of mind not really for physcial, material world manifestations. In the book Elie (protagonist) can't help cursing God in one statement and then thanking him in another. It's an odd mix.

I can understand this character. While everyone else in the class is going he's just lost soul and if he had more faith he'd be fine I can't help but grimace. My professor has picked up on that. He won't call on me in class like he usually does but he asked me after class what I thought. I told the man that suffering and misfortune can do one of two things to faith it either cements it or erraticates it. Maybe the ones that could keep it were stronger than most...or maybe they're naive. I walked off after that.

Ever since the wreck a lot of people have told me I should go back to my family's faith. (notice how I say family's). I've also had some of these peole go you should cover up your arm. Which maybe an unfair comparison but when its common knowledge that a wound needs air to heal and they tell you to cover it, it kinda makes you wonder what validity they have. There's one person that I think can get me to go back to my faith. I talked to him about it.

I asked him very planly and simply at about 4am a few weeks ago what was faith. He stoped and then gave me a satisfying answer that I will keep to myself. I asked him if I needed it. He told me only oneself knows what one needs. He told me that one of the most beautifully amazing things in the world to witness was a strong woman. He told me I was a strong woman, but he also said that even the strong need rest, need help and that may lie in faith. This friend of mine once upon a time wanted to be a Catholic priest...he was also once upon a time a "lost soul."

Since then I've hesitantly made my way back. Starting small simply with the version of the Lord's Prayer that I was taught as a child. My aunts are going to the Vatican soon so I asked them to get me a Roman Catholic Bible for me to read ( yes there is a difference Quita, Starr, and I found that out). I'm trying.....not so much for myself though...maybe I'll find something in it like other people do.

And so the exploration begins....I wish I had Angel Sanctuary to watch...geeze......

I'm not sure what I really wanted to blog about when I sat down but this is where it went...I'll take requests for the next blog entry ^_^